IDidn't Do It
by Erbear09
Summary: Think Pineapple express/ICarly minus Freedie.
1. I Hate My Life

AN:Okay so I was watching Pineapple Express at the same time I was also watching ICarly.(ITake on Dingo) And it got me thinking, wouldn't it be super funny if there was a Pineapple Express but an ICarly version. So i've been up for about three hours trying to write this. It may be no good but you have to admit that my idea is at least a half decent here goes .And yes this is a Cam story.

Disclaimer:I don't own ICarly or Pineapple Express. But I still wish I owned Sam.

Warning:This story contains a shit load of swearing,girl/girl love,drug use, slight prostitution and no Freddie.(I like him and all but lately he's been a little annoying so I decided to keep him out of the story.)

Please review and let me know if I should go any further!

I Hate My Life:

(Carly's pov)

Today started off like any other day. I woke up, brushed my teeth, smoked a little pot and went to work. I work at a fucking hole in the wall pizza place, Skylar's. What pizza makers name is Skylar? Aren't they supposed to be Italian or something? But who fucking cares? I deliver pizza's all day while my fat ass boss sits on his fat lumpy ass and plays fucking Halo. The dumb fuck can't even get pass the first level. So as you can see I live a pretty shitty life. I'm nineteen with no direction in life, a fuck up piece of shit apartment, a goldfish and a dumbass fucking it wasn't for Sam I would probably have killed myself by now.

Samantha "fuck it" Puckett, Not the brightest bulb in the tool box or whatever that dumb saying is, but she and her Mom sell the best pot Seattle has ever seen or smoked...you know what the fuck mean. So the chick is about 5"5 a little over a hundred pounds, blonde hair way past her shoulders and the prettiest blue eyes i've ever seen. I mean girl is a fucking dime. I asked her to go out with me once but she turned me down. Said she doesn't date her clients. Dind't stop her from fucking me a few times.(I left my wallet at home and I had to pay for my weed so don't fucking judge me.) But anyway, Sam is an awesome chick. I was trying to make a piont about something, but forgot what it was. Whatever.

So it's twenty after six and I'm fucking dying to go home and light up but, I still have two more hours left of this work shit. Today was really slow,I only delivered three pizzas so I had to spend the better part of my day with my boss, Mr. Howard. He makes me call him mister because he's my boss and it makes him feel important or some shit like that. I tried telling him that he is the manager of a shitty pizzaria but I don't think he was listening. Asshole. So I guess I should end this self loathing rant that I'm on. It can't be good for the self esteem. I think I lost all of that when I begged my ex-girlfriend to take me back. She said she wanted someone that was doing something with thier life. Fuck you Tasha. The only reason I took this job was to but shit for you. You know what, I don't fucking need you, so you and Wendy can go have fun or whatever the fuck you want to do,cause I don't give a shit. I hope you two get fucking herpes or mono. Okay I really need to stop thinking cause i'm pissing myself off. Stop thinking in 5..4..3..2..1 no more thinking.

"Alright Shay get ready you got a delivery to make." Great this fat ass son of a bitch."Where am I going to?"I really couldn't care less about the shit I'm saying."Your going to 60 West Maple Avenue. Two extra cheese large pizzas with two liter coke"Perfect that's right down the street from Sam's place. I can go get a hit first then drop the pizza off."Yes Mr. Howard."Argh, that sounded so fuckin fake. Maybe cause it was, but I can't wait to see Sam."Okay, why the fuck are you being so nice to me?"Oh shit, he knows something is up."No reason I just can't wait to deliver these pizzas."Ew, he has a fucking huge booger hanging from his nose. Come on you can't tell me he doesn't feel that.I mean it has to be weighing him down or something the damn thing is almost a big as shit his mouth is it stopped. what the fuck did he just say."I said did you hear me?Pay attention Shay I don't Like repeating myself.""Then don't, I'd just zone out again. Look give me the stuff so I can leave." This man is really gatting on my nerves now."Take the shit and hurry up back." He shoved the boxes in my hands and pushed me towards the door."Keep your fucking hands off me you dirty old geezer." I shrug his hand off my shoulder and walk to the doors that that lazy ass could have opened since my hand are full." And clean your fucking nose you look more disgusting than usual." I make sure to say it loud enough so the other employees could here me. I here them laughing when I get to the car. Feeling accomplished I put the keys in the ignition and start the car and i'm off to go see Sam.

AN/: Okay so end of chapter one. Let me know what you think. I forgot to mention that this is AU so the whole Carly potty mouth thing sorry I didn't warn you. And if you read this far thank you for wasting your time with me. Now I am pretty busy so updating frequently may become to mention my laptop is being a little bitch(I spilled soda on it) so I'm stuck typing on the family computer in the living room and with me being 16, my mom being over protective and there being a lot of swearing in this I have to type when she is not home which is hard cause she works at night so now that you see my problem again I hope you liked it and don't forget to review. This is dedicated to WinterAquair . I totally love you dude.


	2. What Did You Say?

Disclaimer: I still don't own one day Sam will be mine.

AN: So here is chapter 2 it may suck just as bad or even worse than the first but give me a break I'm trying here. Plus I'm trying to do something big. Like really really huge. Okay not that big but I'm trying to fit as many people as I can from the show, so if you have any people that you want to see in here so PM me and let me know.(NO FREDDIE) I've already put Carly,Sam,,Wendy,Tasha(iNevel) and many more to !This isn't beta'd so any mistakes are mine.

What Did You Say:

(Sam's pov)

I love pot. I mean like really love it. It's like the other day someone asked me if I've ever been in love and I realized that this pot is all I think I'll ever need. Me and Mary J. for life. Oh wait I love porn too. Porn and Pot and me. Oh and fat cakes and pepsi. Wait.. What was I just talking about?I think I'm losing my mind man. Like, I've been spacing out a lot lately. People say that it might be all the pot I smoke. I don't really care, pot is all I have going for me. I don't have a girlfriend or a real job. All I do is sell pot with my Mom. But I guess you can say that's doing something. I don't know what I want out of life though the only time I'm happy is when I'm chillin with Carly. Maybe I shouldn't have turned her down but, she deserves more than some dirtbag drug dealer. She's better off without shit, oh shit, oh shit, big ass fly just flew right pass my face."Get over here you little fucker. I'm gonna kill you"I figured if I used my sing songy voice it might sit still and let me squish it but no luck."Get the fuck over here you little son of a bitch. No one is permitted in here unless they get permission, and you my friend, do not have permission."So I get up and start chasing the damn thing around. This fucking fly is fast. I mean it must have gotten a fucking gold medal in the Annoying Ass Little Fly Olympics. Little fucking Michael Phelps fly.

So about an hour of chasing this little bitch ass fucking fly around there was this loud ass buzzing shit, oh shit, oh shit, it must be the fucking mother fly. She's mad that I tried to kill her baby. Shit,there it goes again. Oh fuck I don't want to die."I'm sorry Misses Momma fly I didn't mean to chase your baby but it was all buzzing around me and shit. He was buzzin all over me like he knew who I was."(AN:Can you guess where I got that line from?)So I'm sittin there screamin and shit next thing I know I here somebody the momma fly can speak, what the fuck?"Sam open up it's Carly." Oh thank god it's just Carly. I walk over to the door unhook all of the dead bolts I have on it and there she is lookin all beautiful and shit."Carls, how goes it?I missed you dude."Oh fuck she's giving me that shy grin again.I'm a sucker for that fuckin face."Missed me? I saw you yesterday."Yesterday? I don't remember anything that happened yesterday, but I just nod and pretend I know what the fuck she's talking about."So what do you want? I didnt expect you until tomorrow. Did you smoke your whole stash already?""No I just wanted to see you.I have a delivery around the block and thought I'd stop you don't want me here I can leave I just thoght You wanted company."Fuck, she's frowning now I didn't mean to hurt her feelings."No chill Carls I was just surprised to see you. I thought you were a killer momma Phelps fly."Okay now she's confused."If anyone else said that to me I'd be weirded when you say it's just so fucking cute."Aww, she thinks I'm cute."Aww, you think I'm cute. Shit I was just thinking that and then I said it out loud,crazy shit man. Crazy shit."

(Carly's pov)

Okay I think Sam finally lost it. She's acting stranger than usual. Which is saying a lot because she is strange to begin with." Are you okay Sam?" She sits and stares at me for a minute before she answers." I'm okay man I just got this new stuff, and it fucked me up. try it?" She is the only person I know that wants to get high as much as I do.I'd do it more if I didn't have this fucking job. Shit, I gotta make this delivery." Alright, I'll try it, but I have to go make a run first." I almost forgot about the pizza in the back of my car."Come on Carly, Carls, Carlotta,please smoke this with me and I promise I'll let you make your delivery. I'll make it worth it." Fuck. She's using her seductive voice. I love that voice."Alright, just hurry up I don't want to be know that fat ass Howard hates me." Sam runs off all excited and shit to get her "special" stash. If it were any one else I would probably be pissed, but when it comes to Sam I can never seem to be upset. And that says a lot I got pissed at Spencer yesterday for eating all of my fucking Froot Loops. Those were possibly the the best fucking Froot loops on the face of the fucking planet, especialy when you smoked a whole L and you got the fucking munchies. God I had the milk a ready and waiting to have fruity flavored rings of cereal dumped into them, but no Spencer just had to.."Carly. Carly. Earth to Carly." Damn I must have spaced out for a second."Sorry, I was just thinking about stuff."I try to look away cause, god,I'm embarrrassed."Oh, you were thinking about Spencer eating your Froot Loops."How the fuck could she possibly know that. She must have seen the confusion on my face cause she says"You had that "I want some fucking Froot Loops" face." Am I really that easy to read."Yeah." She says and now I'm confused again."You had that "Am I really that easy to read?" face on, and yeah you are pretty easy to read."She knows me so well. Damn Iove this girl.

(Sam 's pov)

Carly keeps getting that spaced out look. I don't know what's wrong with her but it sure as hell is cute. Shit I know her better than any of my other clients. I know her better than I know myself I love this girl."So Carly, here it is, Pineapple Express. The best pot this side of the fucking country. I promise you it will fuck you up so good or bad depends on how you look at it." Carly stared at the little clear bag for a sec and then she started to laugh."What the fuck is so funny?" I can't believe she is laughing at my stash."I'm sorry Sam but come on that stash is down right embarassing. Look at it, it's tiny. You had better. You know what?" I'm kinda pissed at her right now."Shut the fuck up Carly.I do't know shit, let's just go make your stupid ass delivery so I can get back to my tiny ass stash.m always think you know something, you don't know shit." Okay I'm really pissed at her. how dare she call my prized posession tiny."I'm sorry Sam I didn't mean to hurt your feelings,so lets deliver the and I'll skip the rest of work and hang out with you." Aww, she knows how to make me feel better."Okay let me grab my coat." We leave my apartment and head to Carly's car." If this is what real job feels like then I don't think i want any part in this" I try to sound as tired as I can but all Carly does is laugh.I love it when I make her laugh.

AN: Thanks for reading. Please review. So I have three projects to do for school, so writing the next chapter is going to take me a while but for anyone who cares I am going to finish this story but I need a little time. Alright, Peace Out.


	3. Would you rather

AN:Okay so here is Chapter 3, I hope that you enjoy it. So it is going to be hard for me to update as often as I would like to because my left hand is broken and on my right hand my middle finger and pinky are broken so it takes me four times longer to get each chapter typed. Here goes nothing.

Disclaimer:How many times do I have to say that I don't own anything.

Question:I am putting Jenny from The L word in here I was wondering do I have to consider this a crossover or not?

**Would You Rather**

(Carly's pov)

Seeing Sam work is weird it 's like seeing a cat fly, it's just not suppose to happen okay, she is not really working but she walked from her apartment to my car, opened the door, got in and waited patiently for me to get is the most work she has done since we slept together. All of her effort is saved for the bedroom, or at least that is what she says. I Should really hurry up and get in the car before all of her patients runs out, but I can't help but stare at Sam just sitting there looking all beautiful and stuff. Her long hair,soft lips and talented hands.I'm brought out of yet another self monologue by Sam pressing the horn.I guess her patients are gone now."Come on Carls get in the car,I'm bored."If anyone else were complaining I would tell them to shut the fuck up , but everything is different when it comes to is an exception to all of my rules."Carls,come on,you know I need constant stimulation."She is whining now and it is the most adorable thing ever.I walk over to the drivers side and get in,time to actually do my job. This would be perfect if only I didn't have to go back and be around that sack of shit I call a boss.

My car is a piece of shit.I mean a real piece of shit,you know the kind that comes out your ass all warm and turd shaped. My brakes squeak like a big ass mouse. hear me coming from around the block it 's like the guy from Honey I Blew Up the Children and Stuart little had a baby and the baby starts crying and these loud ass squeaks come. Sam covers her ears as I pull off shielding herself from my car crying to be fixed. Alright,enough about my shitty car let us get back to my favorite topic,Sam. How does she know so much about me?I can not even tell you her favorite color let alone the different facial expressions she has. Right now she is quiet and staring out the window at the passing scenery.I have never seen her like is usually loud and funny and energetic, but know she looks peaceful and deep in thought.

"what are you thinking about?"I had to ask her because curiosity was murdering my cat. She sits and just smiles at my for a minute before she answers.I didn't really expect what was going to come out of her mouth next.

"You."One word from her makes my insides melt.I remember countless times wondering if she was thinking about me and now that she is I can't even from proper sentences.I open and close my mouth trying to reply,but nothing comes out.

We pull up to the costumers house and...let me rephrase. squeak up to the costumers house and I get out to go get the pizza from the backseat, but Sam beat me to gives me a warm smile as she passes me and grabs my hand with her free one as she guides me to the front door.I ring the door bell and now we only takes all of ten seconds for some weird looking man to come to the door.

"Hello.I'm Jonah,over there is Chuck,Griffen and Marvin."Jonah points over to the corner of his living room as he introduces us to his friends. Now I have seen some fucked up things in my life,but nothing compares to what is happening in Jonah's living room. All you need to know is that there was a sex swing,chocolate,a Monopoly set and I'm thinking that the ostrich is Marvin. Jonah is wearing a cowboy hat,high heels and a tutu,he could give Lady Gaga a run for her money in the strange outfits category.

"Nice to meet you Jonah.I'm Sam and this Carly here is is your pizza."Sam quickly hands him his food and pulls me away to the car.I didn't even notice that she was still holding my hand it feels so good,it's like I never want to let go of it. practically run to my car and lock our selves in shutting out the rest of the world.I finally found enough courage to speak when Sam starts off in another one of her random rants.

"Do you know a Lewbert Roberts?He lives across the street from that wack job, Jonah. His name is on the mailbox."Oh Sam always ruining a nice moment.

"I don't know who that is and why do you care?"God I was trying to be serious for a second and Sam has to go being weird again,she is lucky that she is cute.

"No,it's just for some reason it sounds familiar. I don't know maybe I'm just being crazy today cause look so pretty today Carls."Okay so maybe her question wasn't that random but.....wait..Did Sam just call me pretty?

"Did you just call me pretty."I hope her ear drums didn't burst because I kinda yelled at the question at her.

"Yeah,I think you are beautiful,you should know that by now. I wouldn't put up with you if you were an ugly skunkbag."I'm not sure if I should be flattered by that statement or offended.

"Well Sam we need to talk because I really..."What the fuck was that shit. ,OMG,OMG.*gunshots*

"Drive Carly drive,"I turn to Sam's direction and I see some dude with a big ass wart in that Lewbert guys house,through the living room has a gun in his hand and is standing next to some lady cop,I can barely make out what her badge says but I think it says Benson. Some Cambodian dude on the floor with blood all over his face.I snap out of my shock and peal off from the parking space and my car squeaks louder than ever.I speed back to Sam's place and we run through the parking lot and to her apartment as fast as our legs can take us. Once we are secured in her living room I start to pace and cry. Now I have known Sam for a while and her next statement should not surprise me but due to the current situation it does.

"So..Carly,do you wanna fuck?"I can not believe she is this is cute though.

"Okay."What can I say,I'm a sucker for a cute face.

Thanks for thing,I was watching IWill date Freddie and when Carly grabs Sam's hand and says"Come on Sam let's go upstairs"it kinda sounds like she says"Come on Sam let's go have sex." The next chapter will be up as soon as I get it typed. This chapter is dedicated to Lita Rocks Lbc for reminding me how much I fucking love Cambodians. I will type as fast as my broken hands will let me.


	4. No you didn't

Yay. Chapter four,I hope you all my hands are messed up because I went out with this girl on a really nice date and her ex found out,she didn't like that so she who will not be named got her baseball bat and attacked me at a party.I tried to protect my head when she swung at me and my hands caught the worst of for all those people that asked me what happened that's 't worry my cousin took care of her.

Disclaimer:I do not own iCarly or anything I did get a new iPod Touch,so yay.

**No you didn't**

(Sam's pov)

I don't know what the fuck happened to Carly but she is freaking me out.I mean, yeah there were gunshots and stuff but what is the big deal,we do not even know where they came from,at least I don't.I offered her sex to ease the mood,well that plus I have been horny since she showed up at my door and she was all into it first but then she just stopped.I could think of a way to get her to stop being weird,but if I did my monkey dance,she fucking loves my monkey ,I can not just do some stupid dance and make it all better.A joke,yeah I will tell her a joke.

"Hey knock."Damn it she is still pacing.I don't even think she is listening to always listens to me, think Puckett,what would Carly want to hear right shit,if only I were dumb ass mom,giving birth to a dumb ass child,not giving me the proper tools to lead a productive now I doing those stupid inner monologues like Carly. Maybe I tell her a story.

"One time when I was eight my mom was dating some trucker."I stopped to see if she is listening to me.I'm not sure but she is not pacing anymore,so I continue.

"Well she is dating this trucker,I think his name was Ted or something I do not really remember but,she was dating him for about two weeks and you know it was time to make their relationship official so she made me hide in the cabinet under the sink,she didn't tell him that she had a kid yet and I'm guessing she was horny and did not want to ruin the mood. Now you know me,I do not take anybody's shit,not even my mom's."I paused for a second as she sat down beside me on my couch and leaned back to get comfortable.I put my arm around her and pulled her closer. She wrapped her little arms around me and lay her head on my chest right over my heart as soon as I felt her relax I continued with my story.

"So those bastards were fucking like there was no tomorrow and I was still under the sink,so I made this fucking drain cleaner soup,as I called it, and waited for them to stop. I guess Ted could not keep it up very long cause it was only like three minutes. Dude went to the bathroom and I tip toed into my moms room and hid next to the night stand on the left, that is where the condoms were kept. I took one condom out of the pack and dumped it in the drain cleaner mixture,that consisted of bleach,comet,409 and Fantastic,so that shit was strong,ted comes back in the room ready for another round, he jumps on the bed and reaches for the condom drawer. I put the tainted one on the top and he was all like,"Why is this one out of the package?"And my mom being the whore that she is was all."I don't fucking know just put it on and make me come bitch."So Ted really was a bitch cause he did what he was told."

"Sam?"Carly looks up at me with those big brown eyes and I just melt,if anyone else interrupted my story I would have punched the shit out of them, but this is Carly.

"Yeah Carls?"She stares in to my eyes for a little while and all I can do is stare Carly is not known for being one to bite her tongue but she does.I am not sure what she wanted to say but it must not have been that important so I continue on with my story.

"Okay so Ted puts on the condom and starts going at her and next thing I know he starts screaming and he jumped up and ran around the room screaming about his dick burning. He pulled off the condom and grabbed his clothes then ran out the fucker did not even bother to put his shit on before he left,so there is this naked dude running around and stuff."Carly looks up at me and I can see her laughing,I guess my plan worked.

"Why are you telling me all of this Sam."She looks really serious now, time to pour out my heart.

"a couple weeks ago you asked me to tell you some stories from my childhood."I am a little nervous I hope she appreciates what I'm about to do.

"Yeah Sam,and you told me that you don't reveal personal things to costumers. What changed?"

"I like to think that we are friends now.I mean we talk on the phone,go to dinner and fuck sometimes.I think that is friendly."Carly does not look amused at my comment.I open my mouth to say something but I hear someone pounding on my door.

"Samantha Puckett,Open the door!"

AN:I had to type the second half with my tongue because the pain in my hand was too much to handle I will update .


	5. You again?

AN:So chapter five.*jumps up and down and does a little happy dance*Thanks to everyone that is reading you guys are awesome and keep on my hands are still pretty banged up so honestly it takes me two hours to get like five hundred words I know and I am kind of pissed at myself for no updating as much as I would like to. SO I hope you Enjoy this

Disclaimer:I do not own iCarly or Jenny from The L word.I want to own Sam of course,who wouldn't?I don't have anything not even a girlfriend which is pretty fucked up cause if I am willing to take a fucking bat to the head for your ass you better fucking date me or at least a fucking good night kiss.I am so tired of being put in that dumb ass friend category,friends need love if that friend is a horny sixteen year old that will be 17 on August 28 *yay*

You again?

(Cary's pov)

I hate when people ruin intimate moments it is like one of the worst fucking things that anyone can do.I am not a violent person,but I want to murder who ever is knocking at Sam's will be some redrum is this bitch if they do not hurry up and leave,this is just like the time we were going at it on the floor and one of Sam's costumers came over and shit. A normal person would have either yelled for them to leave or put their clothes on while allowing you to do the same and then proceeding to find out who this person was. But no, Sam is not normal she is the girl that jumps right up and opens the fucking door. She does not care that she is naked or that I am as well, with my legs wide open for the world to see my goodies. Sam just makes her sale like what she's doing is okay and when they leave gets offended that I started putting my shit back on. But even with her fucking reckless behavior I still love her. She is all I ever fucking think about. Well her and those good ass Froot Loops that Spener ate. And that little Cambodian guy that got killed. What ever I'll think about that later cause right now Sam is pushing me off of her chest and walking to the door. Did I mention that Sam's tits are so fucking soft.

********

Jenny fucking Sheckter.I hate that bitch. hated her when she dated Sam and I hate her now for fucking up an awesome moment for me. And I hate her fucking cousin Ruben for being a fucking weirdo and standing next to that bitch. God I just fucking hate people all together. I wish everyone, besides me and Sam, would just crawl into a little fucking hole and stay there for a while. What the fuck is Sam doing why is she just letting those bitches in. No. Sam close the fucking door. And now they are in. Fuck.

********

I guess Sam is as pissed as I am that she is here because she has this look right now. I am not an expert but it looks like she is trying to tell her to back the fuck off. I hope so cause I sure as hell do not want her here. Jenny sashays her cute little ass over to the couch and sits down right next to me. I do hate this whore, but she is adorable. Do not ever tell anyone I thought that. I guess it is time for me to listen I see mouths moving.

"What the fuck do you two want. I told you that I am not selling to you fuckers. "This may have something to do with that time Jenny almost got Sam arrested when she brought a cop with her to one of Sam's parties. Did I mention she is a dumb bitch?

"Calm down Sammy,I have a little information for you. That is if you want it. I remember how you used to want it all the time. "I think Jenny is trying to be seductive or some shit, but she just sounds like a straight up whore. Well not STRAIGHT up. Ha Ha I made a funny. You get it, cause Jenny is not straight. What ever, tough crowd. Shit I blacked out again.

"I don't give a fuck. I don't want your information so take your weird ass fucking cousin ands get the fuck out of my place. "You tell them Sam. Get out so we can have some much needed alone time.

"Chill Sam, you don't have to fuck the pickle to know the cow jumped over the bus. "No one ever understands what Ruben is saying. I think it was probably like no Sam don't kick our asses we will leave.

"What the fuck does that even mean .Speak normal English you fucking asshole. I can't even insult you cause your dumb ass would take it as a fucking compliment. I hate both of you fucking annoying ass people.I just want you to get out before I kill you,that is all that I ask."When Sam starts to be some what polite then you are in some serious fucking for the the hills with the blonde bitch and his blonde bitch girlfriend and that fashion person,but the other hills with green grass and shit.

"Alright we will leave.,but I just thought you would want to know that some dude with a big belly and another cute one,I think his name is Shane,are looking for say that it is important."No big deal someone is always looking for is Seattle's most wanted guys are probably undercover cops trying to catch Sam selling or some shit like knows what she does,but no one important can prove it."Well who ever it is can suck my imaginary dick cause I don't give a get out."imaginary dick, is too funny for her own good sometimes.*.Bang*Someone is kicking in the tells everyone to get in the closet.*no pun intended*We all duck down behind the coats and wait for who ever that is to get lost.

********

(Sam's pov)

We are sitting in the closet,which really isn't big enough for four people,but desperate times.I feel a hand is on my boob,i kinda like it so I don't bother telling themto jackass is still kicking my fucking door it can't be the cops,cause they got the door open pretty fast the last time they tried to raid my place.*boom* Finally the dumb ass gets the door open,took him long enough.I peek through the crack in the closet door and see some pudgy looking dude and a cute one,if I were straight i'd bone him.

"Hey Gibby,you sure this is the right place?That Samantha chick should be here."So the fat ass one is the the fuck names their kid that,poor thing.

"Yeah I can read fucking directions,Shane.I am not that fucking search around,maybe she is hiding or something."They search the whole apartment except the closet we are hiding in.I guess this is the first time they ever had to do this, Happy I could pop their house searching take a seat on my couch and put their feet up on my coffee table I just bought,Lard ass pulls out his cell and calls someone.

"Hey,Lewbert,yeah she isn't here,tell officer Benson I said hi. Where should we look now?Do you want us to wait here,cause I don't mind."No the fuck you aren't staying hands the phone to that Shane fat ass spots something and stares for a minute. Must be a cheese burger,my stash... I left my stash on the fucking table Gibby is taking a fucking puff.I gotta remember to charge him for that later.

"Pineapple Express!Shane this is fucking Pineapple Express tell boss it is the fucking ..the bitch has Pineapple Express."Gibby yells into the phone and shit.I'll remember to slap him for calling me a two asses jump up and run out like fucking,something that runs .Big boy made sure to raid the ,Jenny,Ruben and I crawl out of this fucking sardine can I call a closet and no one is sure what to say.

"Jenny,Ruben get the fuck out."This time I didn't have to tell them twice those fuckers ran out the Jenny's ass stares at me blankly and waits for me to talk.I don't know what to say.

"Look Carly,I don't know what to say so you should maybe say something."She takes a deep breathe,then starts to scream.

"He fucking shot fucking shot some Cambodian dude,Lewbert shot him and this fucking officer Benson bitch was there too."

"How the fuck do you know it was could have been anybody for all we know."I am starting to fucking freak out now.

"We were at that weird asses place,Jonah,and across the street you pointed out the fucking guys house.I looked over and he had on a robe that had LR on it and the chick,her badge said Benson,They had this guy on the floor and fucking shot him.I saw them do it from the fucking window,but why are they after you?"Oh no.

"Your fucking loud ass car let hem know we were there and they must have found my fucking underwear on the ground when we pulled off."

"Sam,why the fuck was your underwear on the ground?"Time to explain.

"I was gonna seduce you in your car,so I took off my panties when you like spaced out and were you was out for like ten minutes.I took them off put my pants back on before you even knew anything happened,but they got caught on my shoe and when I tried to pull them off they flung out the window."

"did I really space out for that long?But wait how would they know it was you?"

"My name,number and address are on there along with my products and how much they cost,bussines cards could get me in all kinds of trouble. All of my information is on there and we have to get out of here. They don't know what I look like but they will.I am the only person on this coast that has Pineapple Express so,it won't be hard to trace it back to me."

"Aright but where do we go?The only place I can think of is my place but don't think we are safe there."

"We can go camping take my car,they already know what yours sounds like."I hand Carly my keys and grab all of my pot,only take important things and I got the two most important things in my life with me now.

"What the fuck did I get myself into?"

AN:This chapter was a little rushed but I go into surgery tomorrow and I wanted to get this done.I hope you liked it and thank all of you for your well wishes and encouragement.I honestly don't know when the next chapter will be up but I promise as soon as I get better I will continue.


	6. It smells like hot inner thigh in here!

_**AN: **_So yay a new chapter. Sorry about the long wait I have been in the hospital for a while and writer's block decided to kick my ass for a bit. I am not too proud of how this turned out but it is like the tenth re -write that I did of it and I felt bad for my little hiatus. This chapter will not be in Sam or Carly's pov but I decide to do it in Gibby's and another character that I am introducing .I'm not telling you who it is yet but You will see them a little later on in this. So thank you for waiting and of course reviews are always welcome. By the way all of the dialogue will be in bold and italicized because it is hard for me to do quotations with one hand.

_**Warning:**_ This chapter is small but it was just to break this creative drought I've been having.

_**Disclaimer: **_Okay by now if you don't know that I don't own anything then I feel bad for you.

**It smells like hot inner thigh in here!**

**Gibby's pov**

_**I don't know who that Samantha Puckett bitch is but, she sure does have some good ass ham**_**.** Shane and I are driving back to our boss's house to let him know the good news. No we didn't find the girl but, we can easily trace her from the weed that she obtained. Pineapple Express is one of the most rare types of weed out there. It's like the fucking black republican of weed, you know it's out there but no one can ever find it. This ham is good as hell. I wonder if she slow cooked it.

_**Fat ass, I have been calling you for an hour. Pay attention. You're so mesmerized by that piece of ham. Stop being a fucking fatty for once in you're little fucking life. **_Shane has been getting on my case a lot lately about how much I eat. I like to think it's because he cares about me but I am not sure. Maybe it's because of last month when we were chasing that guy and I got caught on that fence when I tried to jump it. I don't really give a fuck, my lady aint complaining about it and I can still go all night so what the fuck ever.

_**Oh shit I love this fucking song. Come on Shane sing it with me. Come on please.**_My partner is pretending to ignore me when he knows he loves the song that just came on the radio. I didn't even know it was on. Maybe Shane put it on when I was eating. I have a habit of spacing out when I'm enjoying some food. And Shane has finally given in to the music. I should join him.

_**Can't read my , can't read my, no he can't read my poker face.**_

_**She's got me like nobody.**_

_**Cant read my, cant read my , no he can't read my poker face.**_

_**She's got my like nobody.**_

_**P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face**_

_**Boom!**_ We were brought out of our singing by a loud popping noise. I think we just blew a tire. Fuck I don't know how to change A tire. I hope Shane does. I guess those manly tough class I took over at the learning annex didn't pay off much. Shane pulls the car to the side of the road and starts o get out.

_**Come on fat ass let's see what's the problem. I hope a tire didn't pop cause I don't know how to change one.**_

**Shane's pov**

I can't believe I'm stuck with this good for nothing prick. I don't see why boss doesn't just fire him and get it over with. He cant do shit. He's like fucking Elizabeth from The View. She can't do shit but she still has a job. What the fuck is wrong with ABC ?

_**Don't fucking move this is a stick up. Give me all your fucking money. **_I think I just shit my self. Wait, I know that voice.

_**Angel? Is that you? **_That little fucker of course she would rob me. Just cause she is dating my little sister Mia. This is so not the time to be robbed. And she has a fucking gun.

_**Don't worry fuckwit I'm not going to rob you. I just thought I would scare you a bit. I was walking through the woods and saw you two. So, your tire is fucked up. **_I would say something back but she still has that gun pointed at me. I'm fucking scared. And How can she just keep talking like this is normal. You have a gun you fucking weirdo.

_**Oh , sorry I forgot the gun was still on you. **_Angel puts the gun back in the holster. Where did she get a Hello Kitty gun holster?

_**Dude, say something. I'm not going to kill you I promise. **_I turn and face her with fear still in my eyes and speak.

_**What are you doing in the middle of the woods this time at night? **_She gives me this weird look like it should be obvious, but I still don't get it. Then she looks down at the leash in her hand and it all sorta starts making sense.

_**So, you were walking Tina and saw us. **_She nods her head and begins to walk away dragging her peacock, Tina, along with her.

_**Hey where are you going? **_She turns around gives me this evil grin. Then she gets all weird on me again.

_**Well, it looks like your tire is blown and seeing as I don't know how to fix it, I'm just going to go fuck your sister. Bye. **_And with that she turns away. I could walk with her to her place near by but I'm not sure I want to.

I don't know what to do so I guess we can just hitchhike or something. With in minutes a car pulls over to help, which surprises me cause Gibby has his shirt off. I don't know what to make of that. So the car pulls over and I see a hottie with long brown hair and a cute blonde in the driver's seat.

_**Hey, thanks for stopping me and my friend Gibby are a little stranded and we need help getting back to town. We don't have cell phones so we're kinda stuck. **_Blondie motions for us to get in. Once in the car we head to town. The brown hair girl tries to make some light conversation.

_**So what do you guys do for a living? **_Fuck. Now I have to hurry up and make a lie. I can't just tell her that we are contract killers. From what I hear it tends to be a bad thing.

_**We are porn stars.**_ That was really the best I could come up with. Sad I know.

_**Oh. Cool so what have you been in? I watch lots of porn. **_The blonde girl asks. I don't know what to tell her so, I'll just change the subject.

_**So what are your names?**_

_**AN: **_The next update shall come very soon. This is dedicated to my wifey Angel and her friend Tina. Love ya. Reviews are always welcome.


	7. Always doing the thinking thing!

_**AN: **_So this is going to be back tracking to let you know what happened to Carly and Sam so that the last chapter and the next one makes more sense. This is going to be pretty short.

_**Disclaimer:**_ Still not mine.

_**Always doing the thinking thing!**_

**Sam's pov**

What the hell did I get myself into. I mean don't get me wrong I like Carly and everything but, maybe I should have just stayed home instead of tagging along for that stupid fucking delivery. Now I'm running down the steps in my apartment building on my way to my car so I can get to safety. At least I'm going camping. I like to camp. Especially when I'm high. Oh the good, good memories.

When I get outside I see Carly talking to some chick. I'm not really sure who, she has her back turned to me. Carly looks over the girl's shoulder at me and gives me that 'help me' look. So I just walk up to this chick grabbing her shoulder to spin her around., but surprisingly she didn't budge. I reached for her again with both hands and tried to spin her around again. Still no luck. What the fuck is she bionic or something? I hate strong bitches, they get on my nerves cause I can't fucking fight them. I proceed to reach for her a third time but, she spins around before I could.

_**Angel? Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn't you just say something, I was ready to beat your ass. Come here give me a hug. **_I wrap my arms around her broad shoulders and stand on my toes so I could be eye to eye with her, she's really tall. Thank god it's only Angel. She wouldn't hurt a fly. Well maybe the little Phelps fly that was in my place earlier. Yeah that's right mother fucker I still remember you. If I make it out of this shit alive I'm coming for you. Carly and Angel must have noticed my hostile facial expression, the one I get when I want to hurt someone, because now they are looking at me all strange. I was about to speak when I felt something biting my ass. I turned around frantically to find the culprit, but I saw no one. Then I looked down.

_**Aw, fuck Tina. How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from my ass? Tell you every time you come over but, no you don't want to listen. You think you're fucking grown or some shit like that. No you're not. Just because you're a fucking pretty peacock and shit. **_I was all ready to continue with my rant but Angel wanted to cut in and shit.

_**Chill out Sam. She didn't mean it. You know Tina loves you. Yes she do. Tell her Tina. **_Ugh. Now she is doing that baby talk thing It's just a fucking bird.

_**Not to be rude or anything but, why the fuck are you here? **_See Angel was like the middle man for my whole operation. She dealt with the higher up people and supplied me with the product. I never even meet the people that I technically worked for. She did all of that because she's good at math and remembering to do shit. I can do the same thing she does but I too lazy. What? I lack motivation at times. Sue me. Aw, fuck why do I keep going off into these self rants I miss every fucking thing. Angel and Carly are talking.

_**So why was my future brother-in- law here?**_ What the hell s Angel talking abut? I don't know who that is.

_**Okay one, I don't know what you're talking about and two, if that little fucker gives me the stink eye again I'm going to have Tina kabobs tonight. **_Yeah that's right I saw you, little bastard. Just cause you're a peacock doesn't mean that I won't fight you. I swear I will. I jump at the little bird and she takes a step back. Yeah, I'm the fucking boss around here.

_**Sam leave her alone. She did not give you a stink eye, that's just what her face looks like. Anyway I meant why was Shane here? I saw him and some tubby guy just leave. He had your drawers in his hand so I'm assuming he wanted you. **_How does Angel just know every fucking thing. God it is so annoying.

_**Yeah that prick kicked in my door and was looking for me. It has something to do with a murder Carly saw. It's a long story and I'll tell you later we have to go. We are on the run and shit and you're holding us up. So bye.**_ I start walking to the drivers side of my car then Angel pulls me back by my arm.

_**Wait, I've got a plan. **_She's got that evil grin on again, this is going to be good.

_**OUCH! Fucking Tina! **_That little asshole bit me again. I lunge toward her and tackle her to the ground. I try to punch her but, she starts pecking the shit out of my neck.

_**Okay. You win. Get her off of me. **_Angel pulls her little beast of me. I'll get her in her fucking sleep. I liked her other peacock better, Aiden. To bad he tried to cross the road. It was fucking rush hour too.

_**Stop attacking the bird Sam. So Angel what's the plan? **_Yeah it figures Carly would choose now to finally say something. I take a seat on the hood of my car and try to regroup after that beating. This is going to be a long night.

_**AN: **_Weird place to stop I know but I have to read two books and write a three page report for them all in four days and I am working on two other stories. One that I already started and on that I am re writing because it sucked. Reviews are welcome as always. This is dedicated to my best friend since first grade, Krystal. Her argument with a gorilla at the zoo inspired Sam's rivalry with the peacock. So yeah I will write more as soon as I can. She still isn't allowed at that zoo. lol


	8. So that's your plan?

_**AN: **_Chapter eight woo. So last chapter was a bit of a teaser and I feel kind of bad for leaving you all like that so I hope you enjoy this little chapter.

_**Disclaimer: **_This is the last disclaimer I'm going to do . I didn't own anything when I started and I don't own anything now.

_**So that's your plan?**_

**M. Benson's pov**

Oh jeez I hate having to clean up blood. I mean don't get me wrong, the killing part doesn't bother me but the clean up gets on my nerves. And it's all me. Lewbert never helps. One day I am going to pop his gigantic freaking wart and make him drink the juices. Okay, maybe not. That sounded kind of gross. Okay really gross. I wonder why he just doesn't get that removed. With all the money we make he could fix that and his crooked penis. Or maybe they can make it bigger. I am so tired of having to fake pleasure. It's exhausting and boring. Maybe some Oxyclean will get the blood out of the carpet . Yeah I'll try that.

_**Hey Marissa, sweetie , I have a surprise for you. **_Ugh, he wants to have sex. Dear god please spare me. Just for tonight. I promise I'll cut back on my murdering. Or I'll go to church more often ,just let him fall asleep or something so that I can get away. I don't answer him hoping that he will get the message.

_**Come on honey bear. You know killing our competition gets me all hot and bothered. Come on give me some suga. **_Damn. Really god? You couldn't help me just this once?

_**Baby, what's wrong? You don't want some Lewbert lovin?**_ Really? Are you freaking kidding me? Lewbert lovin? Who the hell would want that.

_**No , it's not that I'm just worried about Gibby and Shane. They have been gne for a while. What if something happened? This Samantha could be dangerous. For all we know they could be tied up or something. Just because her undies are pink doesn't mean she isn't psychotic or something like that. **_I really couldn't care less about those two. Shane is a pain in the ass know it all and Gibby is……well Gibby is Gibby. I have no other way to describe him. I just need to stall until he losses that mini erection he has going on over there under his robe.

_**Don't worry they are going to be fine. Now lets play. **_No idiot I'm trying to get rid of you I don't want to play with any part of you. Why did I get in to this weed selling business? I made a good living just being a cop. But now I'm a dirty cop. Ugh, I hate being dirty.

_**How do we know this Samantha saw anything? Those under wear could have been there before and someone else could have seen what we did. **_Why is he making this so difficult? I don't want you! Guys are such idiots. I swear, one track minds.

_**Come on, don't be an idiot. Of coarse she saw something. And you heard that car. It was like a freaking giant mouse that was being punched in the face and squeaking like no fucking tomorrow. She really needs to get that checked out. Well, no not anymore since she has to die. I told you we should close the blinds but no, then you would complain about how hard it is to get brain matter off the blinds and bitch about this then bitch about that. If there were a Bitching an complaining Olympics you would have gold medals across the board. **_What? It is a bit of a hassle to get blood off of the blinds. It's not like he's going to clean it up. If the brain matter and skin and stuff gets on the window all you need Is a little Windex and all clean.

_**You know I am really tired of your shit Lewbert. You don't do anything. All you do is shoot people and walk away. Would it kill you to help me every now and then. **_Oh fuck it, I'm horny now. I run and jump on that little bastard and straddle him. At least after he falls asleep I can masturbate.

_**Carly's pov**_

_**So that's your big plan? No way in hell that is really going to work. We hire a hooker and give them aids. Okay Angel we just meet and all but, what the fuck is wrong with you? How is that a good plan? And Tina just shitted on your shoe. **_This girl makes Sam seem like a genius. Really? Give them aids?

_**Hey don't fucking judge me. That plan is fool proof. All we need to do is call up Nikki **__**and…. Well I don't know if she has aids but she defiantly has Herpes. Trust me I know. **_Okay, ew, too much information. I can't be the only one that thinks this is stupid.

_**Hey Sam, what do you think? **_Angel and I both turn to her to decide which one is right. Me of course.

_**Tina stop it. My ass hurts. Do you understand? Ass. Hurts. Stop biting. **_Sam is too cute when she is yelling at that thing. But we have bigger problems right now.

_**Sam leave her alone. She just want attention. **_Sam nods and moves to the other side of me for safety. She is barking up the wrong damn safety tree.

_**Angel, that idea is kind of dumb. And by kind of I mean, really dumb. Why don't you just run along with you evil bird. **_See I told you I was right. I win. Carly Shay is a winner. Yay.

_**Oh don't look at me like that Carly. Besides they are not even looking for you. They are looking for Sam. Why are you on the run too? **_Actually Angel makes a point, they aren't looking for me. Why am I running too?

_**Well it's my fault Sam is in this mess, so if she runs I run. **_Good answer Shay. Well that and because I'm madly in love with her.

_**What?! **_I hear Angel and Sam say at the same time. Oh shit did I say that out loud?

_**Sam, pov**_

_**Oka I have a plan that's not retarded like Angel's was. **_I completely disregard what Carly just said. She's madly in love with me. Shit.

_**AN: **_Anther cliffhanger, I am so bad. The next update won't come as fast as theses three have. I won't have much time but I will write as soon as I can. Reviews are still welcome if you feel inclined.


	9. Lets do this

**Lets do this**

**Sam's pov**

"Alright, does everyone know what they are supposed to do?" I came up with the best plan ever. Way better than Angel's dumbass plan. I think I out did myself in the "Really awesome Sam ideas category." Ha-ha, I came up with the title all by myself. I'm so awesome.

"SAM!" What the fuck?

"What? What happened?" Angel and Carly are screaming my name, even though I am right next to them. What the hell is wrong with people sometimes? Usually I'd love to hear them scream my name, but this is just not the appropriate time for that.

"You spaced out on us again. We just told you we understand your plan and your all "look at me, I'm Sam and I don't have to listen to anybody. Blah, Blah." Leave it to Angel to put her two cents somewhere it's not wanted.

"I did not. Take it back." Angel stares me up and down, daring me to say something else. I'm a little afraid of her so I don't think I'll challenge her. Jerk.

"Fine, Angel. Lets go." I don't usually give up so easily but my life is all out on the line and shit and I really don't want to die yet and I have stuff to do and I'm all freaking out and shit. I'm so fucked up in the head that I'm thinking in run-on sentences, which I'm sure can't be good at all.

"You okay Sam?"Aww. Carly is worried about my well being. That is so freaking cute.

"Yeah, I'm as good as I could possibly be in a situation like this." I give her my best "I'm okay" look I doubt it worked but it doesn't hurt to try. I think the fact that we could possibly die just registered in my head. Shit. I need a blunt.

"Lets get going love birds." I really don't like Angel right now. She is so lucky she's adorable.

"Okay, so angel you called Tiffany and Amber already, right?" Tiffany and Amber are fucking awesome. Good in bed too.

"Yep, already called them. They should be here in a few minutes, and got to give it to you Puckett, this plan is decent." That is about as much of a complement that she is going to give so I'll take it.

"Alright. Angel, are you sure they are going to stop for gas? They could already be with that Lewbert guy."

"I'm positive Sam calm your shit down."

"Just making sure. You calm your shit down. Carly, you know where you have to go?"

"Yeah, I go to the restroom and bring the crowbar and the duck tape."

"Alright team, let's do this." I always wanted to say that.

* * *

**Angel's pov**

Tiffany and Amber arrived quickly after Sam's little speech. I'm not all that sure why I'm helping them. It's not like my life is on the line or anything. I guess I just like to mess with Shane. It's really fun because he gets sop mad but he can't hurt me because I'm banging his sister and she would be sad and shit. It's such a curse to be so cute sometimes. I can't help that everyone just falls in love with me.

On our way to my location we passed Shane's car at the local gas station just like I thought. While Tiffany drove, Amber showed me how to work the road spikes I needed. Those things are way too complicated for their own good. I'm going to shoot the guy that invented them. Stupid inventors.

Once I figured out how to work these stupid things we finally reached my post. Tina and I exited the car and started on our task. Tina ran into the woods and waited for me. I swear that peacock is no help. Tiffany and Amber drove back to the head of the road and hid behind a random wooden fence. I laid the down the road spikes and ran into the woods with Tina. Now we wait.

An: This was really small but I hope it helps the other chapters to make sense. Review please. My hands are better. yay


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